How Holly and Rumer chose their sperm donor after getting caught up in every little detail

To prepare, they both had their fertility checked in 2022. The results upended their plans. While Holly’s results were very positive, Rumer’s fertility was in a poorer state than expected. They were advised to get started right away. They decided to use Rumer’s own eggs for the first child, rather than risking her fertility decline further when it would be time for a second child.

Rumer remembers the conflicting emotions:

“Getting the results was a bit of a kick in the teeth. And at the same time, I was happy for Holly that she was in a better position.”

They now had to accept that instead of the less invasive treatment of insemination, Rumer would have to go through IVF. Their thoughts revolved around the treatment itself, and less about finding a sperm donor.

“It is overwhelming when you go into IVF and that world. Needing sperm seems like an afterthought. So, it really took us by surprise how difficult it was. You are choosing the other half of your baby,” says Holly.

Many couples search for a sperm donor who looks like the partner, who won’t share DNA with the child, so the child might still resemble them.

Rumer has fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. Holly is her opposite with olive skin, dark hair and brown eyes. They both wanted to be the biological mother of at least one of their children.

So, should they choose different donors for their children to make sure the non-biological mother’s looks would be represented? This would mean that their children wouldn’t be genetic siblings.

Or should they choose the same donor for all their children?

They quickly agreed on this dilemma.

“In the end, we just want them to be biologically related, so that they're half siblings. And if they choose to find out the name of the donor when they get older, they can go on that journey together,” says Rumer.

And so, they started looking for a donor who looked like Holly, and who they would use for all their future children.

But Holly and Rumer quickly realised that they needed to make many more decisions about their donor than just what he should look like.

They decided to go with European Sperm Bank, because here they could get a lot more information about the donors compared to the other UK-based sperm banks they looked at. They wanted as much information as possible for their own peace of mind, but also so their children would be able to get answers to any questions they may have about their donor in the future.

Information is empowering – but it can also lead to overwhelm. Especially Holly, who wouldn’t share DNA with their first child, got caught up in every little detail about the donors.

Read our guide on how to choose a sperm donor here.

“Essentially, we were looking for someone to represent you,” Rumer says to Holly, indicating how much pressure they put on themselves to make the “perfect” decision.

“I became really fussy over everything down to his favourite colour,” says Holly.

After weeks of stressing over donor profiles, their treatment date was approaching and they needed to cut through the overwhelm.

They contacted European Sperm Bank via the website chat, where the staff helped them gain clarity on what was important to them. From there, the couple managed to narrow their search down to three donors, who all had similar features to Holly.

In the end, the couple went with their gut feeling. Some of the things they liked about their donor was his voice recording, knowing he was a family person and that he was well-educated.

“But there was no one major thing, that made us think he was the one. We just had a really good feeling with him,” says Rumer.

Holly agrees.

”He just felt like a fit for us,” she says and adds:

“It also helped a lot that we could see baby photos, which you can’t in the UK if you go through the NHS. And we thought he was a quite cute baby,” says Holly.

In late 2022, the IVF-treatment began. Rumer had eggs extracted from her twice.

After their wedding and honeymoon in the spring of 2023, the embryo that would become their son was implanted in Rumer. In February 2024, Holly and Rumer became mothers to Freddie, a healthy, happy and curious boy.

They plan to expand their family with more children – maybe three or four, all with the same donor. They have extra sperm straws from him in storage at European Sperm Bank’s facilities, so that they have enough for Freddie’s future siblings.

But for now, they are enjoying being a family of three. Having Freddie with them has made all the worrying about finding the perfect donor seem less important.

“To think that it took us so long to choose the donor. Now that Freddie is here, all those things don’t matter anymore,” Holly says, looking at Freddie who is fast asleep in her arms.

“We will love him no matter what.”

Follow Rumer and Holly on Instagram to learn more about life as a donor-conceived family.

Rumer and Holly are in a paid partnership with European Sperm Bank.